Hellooo everyone!

So, remember how I made that new account and I was gonna move all my shit to it and start using that instead? I think I'm too goddamn lazy to do that. It would take soo long! Then I would need to delete them all from this account. My name is just so lame. I had an unhealthy obsession with Tweek from South Park when I was like, 12, and I thought I was really cool because I rhymed it with "freak" and used it as my name. I was so wrong. And everyone knows how important a username is! I might just have to stick it out, though, and hope people like my words enough to ignore my stupid username.

I want to give an update on my life, now, really.

I read through a huge portion of my old journal entries - they are so sad! I would realize so many things, and write them in those entries but it's always just like me to take so, so long to actually truly learn the things I realize. I knew what needed to be done the whole time but my mind kept deceiving me.

I want to let you know, whoever you may be, that I am actually okay this time. I'm actually better, I really am! I used to say it so much, "I'm okay now," but it was just because I sat under the most pathetic shelter waiting for the storm to pass, and when the rain looked like it was letting up I wanted to believe it so bad that I would get excited and run out into it, run away from it even though I had nowhere to go, only to be caught in even heavier downpours. It was awful.

But now, each day everything is a little brighter, and everyday I smile and do things I am proud of. I have never felt that way before. I tried three medications at the beginning of the year and though I wanted to get better, I still had so many pessimistic thoughts, I always brought myself down and gave up too easily, and that medication only focused on those tiny evil thoughts and amplified them to the size of hell. I went crazy, I really, really did, and everything went to absolute shit. It got so bad. Makes my heart droop and my stomach knot just to think of it. If I didn't have so many scars I don't think I would even believe that any of those awful days actually happened. It's going to be an even longer time until I am completely better, actually able to say I'm truly happy, and that I love myself. Going to take forever to completely let go of my million years past. But I know everything I need to know now. I can finally start walking in the direction I need to go. I've learned so much and it makes me so happy I want to bawl. Funny.

And so right now everything is just as hard as it's ever been. All of the things I want still seem just as far away and out of reach. The only difference is my knowledge that I can achieve the things I want to if only I really try. Try to the extent that there is no try.

p.s. I need to write a book about my life. I always want to tell everyone everything that's happened. I get so carried away when I try to explain, like I almost did with this, because I feel like there was way too much for anyone to understand in only a few paragraphs. I will write a book. I hope someone reads it. I promise you it's been interesting.

Love Allee.